I Should Be Better At This By Now…
Let me first say, that the word should just rubs me the wrong way. So I know that whenever I say I should, or I shouldn’t I’m already off on the wrong track. My rational self knows that. BUT my emotional self is like, “but shouldn’t I.” So this is for her.
In my private life…we are making a change. I think it’s a good change.
We thought about it. Talked about it. Let it sit. Set intentions. Talked and walked. Processed. And then made a decision. Then at my request, waited two more days and made a final decision.
Sounds efficient, doesn’t it?
Should it look different than this? Not for me. I need the process, the false-sense of control to keep me out of victim mentality and let me ease into and through all the emotions that are now just loyal and moody companions that travel at my side.
Anxiety has a tendency to take over. She wears her avant-garde flair like a badge of honor and encourages me to think things like, “What if I make the wrong choice, and something goes horribly wrong? What if my selfishness ultimately ruins this beautiful life that I love.” Yes, Benson Boone, your song speaks to me. But what if it’s my own decision to change that takes away these beautiful things that I’ve got?
But also, what if there’s room for more? What if there’s room to grow and enhance and even to deserve abundance simply because we exist?
Does that feel heavy to you too? Because my emotions are having a press conference over it right now.
I mean, I wrote a book about change. I encourage kids to feel all their feelings about change, and I even go as far to say it usually turns out okay, and often even better than we imagined.
So shouldn’t I be better at change by now?
I think maybe I’m asking the wrong question. Because should is still an ugly feeling word to me. I think the question is, “Am I honoring my own emotions without letting them take over? Can I experience all of those feelings and still know that it will probably be okay, and maybe even great? Do I trust myself enough to move through these emotions and arrive at peace? Can I let Anxiety make
a brief and fancy appearance without letting her lead the way?”
And if those are the questions, then should doesn’t event play a part in the answer.