The Weight We Carry

I’ve been thinking a lot about the things we carry, as moms, as professionals, as wives, as daughters, as humans.

Some of those things have been handed to us and others we have reached out and grabbed. Still, we carry the schedules, the meal planning, the emotions, the hopes and dreams, and the obstacles, of those around us.

We carry them like water jugs on our shoulders, like diaper bags on our backs, like that leaden smock they place on your chest at the dentist’s office when you get x-rays.

And we are strong. We can carry a lot.

But what happens when all of a sudden, we feel lighter. We feel a bit of weight drop off. What do we do?

I think for me, I sometimes create more things to carry.

Recently, I found myself so unsettled by how little I needed to carry (physically) that I grabbed three bags, loaded them with books and carried them, unnecessarily into a place that only required me. Imagine that? Me, alone without any baggage is enough. That was hard for me to accept, so I brought my emotional support bags, because being weighed down felt familiar, and I misconstrued that as comfort.

I tried to balance one bag against my leg while reaching into another crowded bag and just started laughing at the ridiculousness of what I had (subconsciously) done.

Why is just showing up so unfamiliar? So vulnerable? So nerve-wracking?

I think, what if I forgot something? What if what I have or who I am is not enough?

Does this come from years of packing snacks, and coloring books, and band-aids for fickle toddlers? Or from placing value in having just the thing that someone might need in that moment? Or from a belief formed in childhood that without the bonus item or skill, I am not enough?

It could be all three.

Could standing in my own worth be as simple as shedding a winter coat and soaking in the spring?  As risky as letting the sun warm my skin, and trusting that the air won’t turn cool if I arrive without my coat?

I’m not sure. I’m still working on it. All I know is, sometimes, those emotional support bags are really just unnecessary weight. There are times that life piles on the weighted vest. Times it hands us boxes and hearts to carry. But when we have the opportunity to stand in the sunlight, weightless, I want to try to do that. To trust that I am all that I need. That I am enough.